Coming To Terms with Chemo
Every cloud has a silver lining, and this is a story of a couple of very silvery linings indeed.
The whole Cancer thing was definitely a complete facer when it came to light back in early winter 2014, and coming to terms with it all is a journey that takes a lot longer than one might think. You just feel as though you have a handle on your emotions, and then wham! a side swipe of full on fear and misery overtakes you.
Some people can turn immediately to their creative hobbies to help them cope, others either don’t have that side to their lives (presumably not you lot because you are reading this!), or the creative drive deserts them completely and seems impossible to catch a hold of. I am in the latter camp, and it has taken me nearly three months to be able to find a way back into my studio to do anything creative at all. When I did finally get in here and feel a need to do something, I was still not able to get back to my familiar mediums, so I turned to words and paint.
My stash of materials extends to a good collection of sketch books, but I was still not ready for them. However, an old cruise catalogue that I had (unused of course), held the promise of thick glossy paper and a completely un-intimidating appeal. It would not matter what I put in here. A slosh of gesso or emulsion and the images of perfect people in expensive clothes looking at sunsets in tropical places disappeared, and what I was left with was some wonderful messy textured pages ready to receive anything that could be thrown at them. No blank page anxiety, it really didn’t matter one iota what went on the pages, just as long as it helped me to get some of the thoughts and feelings that were swirling away inside, out of my head in a very visible way. Talking helps, but sometimes this is even better.
Working on a few pages at once, I decided to write down my positive thoughts on one page, my negative thoughts on another, and finally my anger and fear on a third. I was not expecting that third page, but it just came along of its own free will!
What emerged over a number of days I am sharing with you. Not because this in any sense has artistic merit, but just because it might help someone else take a similar approach and get those rotten mixed up, fearful feelings out. Each time you do this, it removes a bit more from inside and makes things easier to deal with.
Underneath all the many layers of paint is a page full of positive thoughts and wishes in thick black permanent pen scribbled all over. Washes of paint followed with absolutely no real thought of any image, just trying to use colours that reflected the words. The result was a sunset, not because I think this is in any way the end of things, because it isn’t. I just find sunsets something lovely to look at (the real thing, not this one!), and gives me good thoughts about the next day.
Negative thoughts and worries were scribbled here, but they were quickly joined by discoveries of positive things too, in fact, this turned out to be my silver linings page. The colours again came from the feelings, and the flowers just emerged from the darkness.The page that surprised me most was the fear and anger page. It started out just as fear, but I found myself using angry words too. Not anger at the injustice of having cancer (other people have so much more to deal with than me), but anger at the effects on my cosy comfortable life and how this has messed up all my plans and my expectations – anger at being so frustrated by the fatigue and the inability to plan for things and do what I enjoy doing. The fear of the side effects and the hair loss, and the fear of what my friends and family have to cope with because I know they love me and are concerned for me.
I won’t be sharing much more of this stuff with you I expect, as it is really just about helping myself, but on this occasion, I am hoping it might help someone else to find a way of constructively expressing their feelings about whatever they are going through. The journey is personal, and the images are not art, they are therapy.
Hair loss on the other hand is a very public affair. Mine started just over a week ago with large tufts coming out leaving me with really thin patches which looked very odd. It then began to come out all over my head, thinning it down to such an extent that it was tricky to make what was left look half way decent. As I knew this was going to happen, it was not alarming, just odd. My appearance is important to me but it is not beginning and the end of my day.
Over the next few days the tenderness and discomfort grew until I became desperate to not have hair! The hairy detritus left on my pillow and around the house was a pain, so I asked my husband to chop it off. We had the choice of his beard trimmers, a pair of small sharp scissors or the dog grooming shears! I opted for the scissors. Not the neatest of jobs, but it did mean that the hair that came out was much shorter and clogs up the vacuum cleaner much less. Anyway, he was in a rush to get to work, and I quite liked the ping pong ball with mange look
A day later and even more had had come out.
Now the silver lining began to take shape. I dug out all my enormous stash of scarves and began some creative tying. Having bought some cotton chemo caps and hijab bonnets to wear close to my head, I had a plethora of colour choices, but not much scarf tying experience. Hey ho, I am always up for learning a new skill. And even better, I got to use more than one scarf at a time! Then, joy of joys, my lovely hairdresser Claire Parr of Steeles Hairdressing came all the way to my house to shave off the offending mange. Immediately the tenderness disappeared and the look immediately became a lot less scruffy. She also trimmed and styled my wig for me so when I need to look in the mirror and see myself, or want to be seen just as me by other people and not a cancer patient, then I can.As Claire was sorting out my bonce, my very good friend Erica Thomson came over with her overlocker, loads of fabric and yarn and an urge to play! We spent the afternoon designing and making funky head gear. Below is our first attempt using three different fabrics and lots of yarn in the overlocker. It took us 4 hours to work out the design and construction of the hat having got inspiration from something I had seen on Etsy. We ran with the idea and took it our own way, making it up as we went along. I love, love, love the colours.
A quick change of fabric and a few more cups of tea and we were on to the next one. This took us less than half the time, and I can’t tell you how pleased I am with the results. I wore it last night to a posh dinner. I was not sure I would feel up to going after having chemo in the afternoon, but I was ok, and it was fun to really put on some colour and stand out in a sea of black dresses and suits. A vibrant turquoise scarf slung back to front over my shoulders made it all look very stylish. If I was going to stand out from the crowd, then it needed to be done in style!These hats are a massive silver lining for me. If it had not been for the whole hair loss thing, then I would never have dreamed of wearing anything like this. Hats are not usually my thing at all, I find it really hard to find anything that suits my round head; they tend to wear me rather than the other way around. And you all know I love colour, so this is just the very best opportunity to put that colour on my head and feel fantastic about it.
There is another bonus as well – whenever I get the frequent Tropical Moments (made worse by the chemo annoyingly), I just have to quickly lift the hat off and the bare bonce cools down really fast. They are soft inside and so easy to wear. They are a talking point and they help me to show a positive face instead of the more depressing chemo cap that does nothing for my spherical head.
A HUGE thank you to Erica for helping me do this. I would not have done it without you as my creative ability is sadly impaired at the moment as we have already discussed. But now I have two fabulous hats that no one else in the world has, one of which has a lovely pattern of hippopotamuses (hippopatami?) running just below the brim. Both have a fancy overlocked pattern on the top and both feel totally fantastic to wear. But you can tell that by my face I expect.
You are a wonderful lady and you always share your talents so much good luck to you and i shall be thinking of you God bless
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Liz, love your hats, they suit you so much xxx Hugs
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you are such an inspiration Lizz, sending you healing vibes and gentle hugs.
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Good for you, Liz. The hats are fab! I have watched you on TV and follow you on Pinterest and love the stuff you make. I hope your creativity comes back soon. Wishing you well with the rest of your treatment.
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Hey! 🙂
How great! I’m so pleased to read such a long and positive newsletter from you, with added photos of new creative stuff. I’m so happy you are on your way to ‘re-locate’ your temporarily misplaced ‘mojo’ again, but mostly I’m so happy to see your familiar smile again.
(If I’m quiet, I can even hear your typical chuckle along side it)..
You are sooo lucky (as I’m sure you are aware of), to have such a great and supportive ‘team’ of a husband, family and really really good friends, to share this hard journey with.
Good to see you’re walking in the right direction, (up and forwards), so keep this momentum going.
Wooping and clapping here for you.
Dalia 🙂 x x
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I am so proud of you for sharing you story, your life to the world. This could really help someone in need and let them know they are not alone. You are a very strong person and you will get through this. I will keep you in prayer. God Bless You!!!!
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Thank you Sandra, that is so kind of you. The love and kindness that I have received from people I know personally and amazingly from so very many people I don’t know personally, just via the internet, has been amazing. If I can help any one of them who is going through tough times by explaining how I am coping with things, then that is a good thing in my eyes. I know I am hugely lucky to have this support, not everyone else is so privileged. I do not feel alone, whilst others find themselves isolated. Perhaps I can help them is some small way if my coping strategies chime with them.
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Truly inspiring, and amazing hats
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How wonderful to read your post. You may not consider your paintings art but I think they’re beautiful especially reading about the emotions that created them.Adore the hats, so vibrant and joyous looking. Wishing you nothing but positivity and improving health x
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Thank you Fi. Originally I did not intend to share the paintings, they are something that were done as a process to help myself. But I thought in the end that I should give back a little to everyone who has shown me such support and love, and who might be going through difficult times themselves. I am not promising to share any more of them though! I will find other things to share instead.
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Oh my, Liz. You are an amazing person!! I always thought so but this is wonderful. I LOVE the headgear and it’s typical of you that it is so creative. I’m thinking of you along with all your other fans and friends. Keep keeping on. You are an utter inspiration
Love and light
Frankie xxx
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Thank you Frankie, I really appreciate it. The support and love that has come my way is truly amazing. I never dreamt in a million years that people would be so good to me. This, more than anything has forced me to be much more open about the whole cancer thing than I would naturally have been if it were not blogs or Facebook. And this is 100% a good thing for me as with every conversation, message and post, the love comes in and fear and misery leave me. OK I still have to deal with the side effects, but no one can do that for me, but what goes on inside my head is considerably helped by you all, and my interaction with you. So a huge thank you to you and everyone who is sending me all the good wishes, prayers, thoughts, love, hugs, angels, hearts and bubbles!
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Crazily I feel as though you were writing just to me and it was so good to hear from you! I have thought about you many times over the last few months and your ‘ever onward and upward’ attitude is amazing. I love your hats and would happily wear them particularly if I could do so with such style!
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Lynn, I am pleased if what I have written touches you in some way. I always get inspiration from others, it is what we all need to do at times. The confidence to wear the hats comes with necessity. I did not want to wear just the basic scarves and chemo caps as they scream out illness. I am not ill, the cancer has been chopped out, I am just undergoing treatment. Therefore I just want to be out there whenever I can, being me. My hair was a part of me, but it is gone, so I thought it an opportunity to try a whole new style. The only way to do that is to completely commit to it, which I admit is scary, but as I don’t have the option of going back to how I was before, I can only step out boldly and be open about it all. I don’t think every look will work, but if I don’t experiment, then I won’t have half the fun!
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I had not found your blog before now and had not heard about your illness, so I was both shocked and pleased to read this. Your hats look great, and I also love your scarf creations! What a great friend, to come round and help with the creative process. Maybe when you are stronger you should leave cards at the Chemo ward, so that other ladies have the opportunity to wear your cheerful and empowering creations! Best wishes for a speedy recovery.xx
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That is a lovely idea Julie. Erica and I were planning on perhaps making up some simpler ones to give to the Maggie’s Centre here in Nottingham. I think we will need to simplify the pattern if we want anyone else to make them though.
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What a beautifully positive post Liz. Love your journal pages and the hats are stunning. When my niece had breast cancer 6 years ago I bought her an eyebrow kit. Not sure of the make but it had several eyebrow shaped stencils and different coloured brown ‘shadows’. She said it made her feel like ‘her’ again. Not sure if it’s something you would like but proably easy to find via Google. Wishing you every luck in the weeks and months ahead.
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Thank you Ann, I have also found the eyebrow stencil kit, I saw it on Youtube. I don’t actually ever have much in the way of eyebrows, but it certainly helps enormously being able to put some on when I need to. These photos were taken completely without makeup for total honesty. The trick with the eyebrow stencils is getting them to match up! I also invested in some eyebrow sealer that holds the powder in place. I am always brushing my face with my hands and I didn’t want the stuff to come off and leave me with half an eyebrow! Now I varnish them in place!
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You are BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL, and INSPIRATIONAL, MY DEAR!!!
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good luck and best wishes – keep smiling, Neena
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You nOw have something to aim for,when you are better you can design a range of fantastic hats to help others in your position feel and look a lot brighter
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Liz you are an inspiration and I am absolutely positive that you will have helped others with this really positive blog. Your artistic skills seem in no way diminished just off on another track and wow how amazing. Sending you love and positive vibes Terry xxx
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What a fantastic story x your a fantastic inspiration to so many x you made me fill up with overwhelming adoration x
I hope that you continue to use your creative streak to seal witH everything that comes along x love and best wishes ! Xxxx
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Oh how lovely to read your email letter again, and to see the end photographs, The hats look great and the sparkle is back in your face, I am so pleased.
I had a friend go through the same this tine last year and the hair falling out was as bad as the chemo for her.
Stay positive Liz and I send you all my love and prayers. A. xx
>
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Just love the hats, they are very you. Brilliant wishing all the very best
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You are a beautiful strong lady and the hats are gorgeous..xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Lovely to hear your news Lizzie,
Thanks for sharing. I’m mentally pigeonholing this one.
Fab hats. God bless Erica!
Hugs,
Suella
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God bless Erica indeed Suella!
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Liz the way you are coping is superb. The positive, negative and anger pages are amazing to look at. It’s amazing how they really reflect your personal journey and it’s wonderful that the flowers are blooming out of the negatives – a bit like your mood after making those gorgeous hats. You’re very brave and coping admirably (although I’m sure there are some days where you’ve felt anything but). Keep strong my lovely and I think in the near future you need another craft day with your friend – after all, a girl MUST have more than two hats. Sending you much love. Michele xxx
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Absolutely, 2 hats is never enough. I am holding all of Erica’s threads and fabric hostage until she can come back again for another session!
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You sound so positive and inspiring. I saw your post on Facebook about the package you received from JM – that was so lovely. I just want to say I thought your scarf tying effort was great and very stylish. I also think the hats your friend made are fabulous – they look amazing and do the job perfectly. You have very good friends. Wishing you a speedy and stress free recovery xx
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The hats are a triumph and you are an inspiration in so many ways. The sketchbook pages are so interesting and such a good idea. Best of luck with the rest of your journey.xx
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Well done Lizzie. It is wonderful to see that your irrepressible personality still shines through. The hats are wonderful and just go to prove that a creative person can work in any medium and produce a thing of beauty. I haven’t experienced cancer myself but I have many friends who have. They have all beaten it in one way or another and they, like you, are tremendously positive. Modern science is fantastic and I hope it will not be long before you are back to making your lovely jewellery and sharing your talents with the rest of us.
Very best wishes
Angela Dunfors
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Thank you Angela, Modern science does indeed offer hope where once there was mostly fear.
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What a wonderful positive thought process Liz. I love your pages, and the way they have helped. Keep it up, you are doing amazingly well. The hats are brilliant, I look as if I’ve been let out for the day if I wear a hat. Good luck with the fabric hostage taking, you could end up with another business there. Love to you and Neil. Wendy xx
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Thanks Wendy. I always thought the same as you about hats, but as I don’t have a choice now, I am going to commit to necessity, and just go for it!
Hope your workroom is all up and running now.
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well done Liz – you are a brave and courageous woman in many ways and it was a privilege to have attended one of your workshops at JM last year. The journaling looks amazing and I agree with other comments about it looking very artistic. It was also good to read about how you preferred to work it all out on ‘used’ paper rather than pristine and new – the ‘re-purposing’ of the paper and yourself has obviously worked – so great to see that happy joyful smile under the colourful ‘hats’ you certainly wore them with style and pleasure. As you say you are lucky and feeling that is such a positive approach as most people are lucky but few have time to recognise or rejoice in it – oh dear do not want to sound too philosophical. So enjoy your time out from what you are used too – you may discover and even greater passion. Finally I wanted to wish you well, tell you I had thought about you and re-cuperation often (as others have already mentioned ) and hope to attend one of your inspirational workshops when they get going again. Lots of love and positive vibes
Helene Coxhead
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thank you Helene, your words are precious to me, and I look forward to meeting you again at another workshop once all this is over. I am going to take on board what Debbie Bulford JM Guest Designer said to me about keeping a notebook of creative ideas that strike whilst the body and mind is unwilling to do anything about it.
I hope life with you is everything you want it to be.
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Hi Liz’ you are so brave, and you look amazing in the red hat , it really suits you .xx
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You look lovely without hair, not everyone can carry it off, but you do, with such style. and those hats look stunning. I am glad you have found a way to be creative, you continue to inspire.
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Those hats are wonderful and you will have a good selection to take forward into the future. As you say all negatives have a positive and we need to be open to them when they occur. Go girl (y)
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Liz, I had tears in my eyes at the beginning of your piece, and a smile on my dial at the end. What an amazing woman you are! And those hats! So very, very stylish! Go you – a total inspiration.
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Dear Liz ,
You a beautiful inspirational lady your positive energy shines in your face and in all your creative enterprises . Along with many others I send you love and positive vibes . Thank-you for sharing with us .
Roz
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Liz,reading your thoughts feelings and your pain has made me more able to cope with my life,l won’t go into details, I have depression and anxiety, but you have given me the strength to change my life for the best and to value what l have,may you go from strength to strength you beautiful lady,xxxxx
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Annie, this is from my heart to yours, and I sincerely hope that you find the way to make things improve for you.
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Thank You Liz for sharing your thoughts and feelings, you look lovely in your hats xxx You are doing amazingly well and the warmer weather is on the way and I’m sure your creative mind will be back with the spring flowers. See you soon xxx
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You are gorgeous, Lizzie, with and without the hats. Your smile always is a beam of warmth; your eyes always seem to sparkle with joy and wit. I watch your videos and receive affirmation of loving kindness in addition to receiving instruction and inspiration. Thank you for your generosity in sharing and giving to others as you go through cancer treatment. From my family and friends who have gone through C treatment, I know it is arduous and anything but pleasant. I hope the next months continue to reveal silver linings!
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Marena, thank you. Every one of you who is supporting someone going through rough times provides Silver Linings for that person, they just sometimes need help to see all that silveryness. There are so many of you supporting me that I cannot but help to be blinded by the silver!
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Dear, wonderful Lizzie, I think you look quite wonderful in hats, remember to drink strong green juice to keep your body strong, spinach, celery, lemons, apples & ginger (to help with the tummy), it helped me enormously xx Jan
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Pleased to see your blog this morning. Have wondered how you were doing many times since reading your last sad message. You look great in your hats. Hope you have your hair back and dont need them anymore. I am sure you have comforted many people reading this. Good luck. We look forward to yours next creations. Lynda
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I’ve been thinking of you a lot lately so it was good to get an up-date. Your hats are fantastic- I wouldn’t mind one of those myself. Maybe there’s a new side line in the offing?! You look beautiful in the photos Liz. I hope the end of treatment is in site. Lots of love to you and your family.
Maxine xx
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Love You.
Neet xx
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Oh thank you so much for sharing this, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I think your pages are fab and as for your hats wow!!! You have such a lovely face, with such a beautiful smile so, with or without hair you look gorgeous. Lots of love and healing thoughts being sent your way. xx
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First thought when I saw the red titfer was ‘how glamorous’, that you must have been a guest at a Buckingham Palace garden party; my second one – once I realised your medical history – what a positively and generously courageous lady (and her talented friend,) the third and most humbling one – what an example of how much good people can do and often quietly get on with when they are in a more fraught situation than the rest of us. Many thanks for sharing the Welch mode of coping – it is inspiring. With my prayers for your health and happiness and good wishes, Chris
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It is truly inspiring to see the depth of your talent and how this has got you through the darkest of times. Each hat, accompanied by the magnitude of your smile, is so unique that it is difficult to chose a favourite.
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You are in our thoughts and prayers. Your journey is a very difficult one, I hope the road is not too rough. Keep up the therapy, you could be turning out masterpieces.
The Hats are wonderful, another possible line of business for you!
All my very best wishes to you.
Love Jean
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Hi Liz
I enjoyed all your JM programmes and have also bought a couple of things direct from your website, so was very sorry to find out that you are having to go through such a difficult time. I suffer from ME so I know how tough the fatigue side of things can be, especially when you have been used to having plenty of energy and being able to get on with doing things. I think it is still good to think creatively even if you don’t feel up to putting all your ideas into practice at the moment, it helps me anyway. I will be thinking of you as you go through your treatment and look forward to seeing you back on TV when you are fully recovered. Love and best wishes
Kaye
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Thank you Kaye, I really do appreciate the support I am getting from everyone, it helps enormously, and I empathise with your ME. At least I know that once chemo is over, I will begin to get my energy back again, but for you it is a journey that you don’t know the ending for.
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Love the hats and wishing you well. Alison.
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